Who's in the mood for some more Italian?

I have to preface this by saying I do have more important shit going on in my life right now. But to write about that seems exhausting, impossible at this moment. Instead I am going to finish the "Roger Ravioli" saga. Because it is simple and easy to do.

Against your advice, I decided to respond to Roger's email. I'm not sure why exactly. I wasn't going to and then a couple weeks later I changed my mind. It would appear that he read it today. Because he wrote me back. And then he texted me twice. Without further ado, here is what I wrote:

"Roger", 

I appreciate your honest email. I am a little confused as to why you're writing it now. What brought this about? It's been so long you could've just let it lie, but you didn't for some reason. Anyway, it's nice to know what actually happened. I had cooked up all these scenarios in my head when the truth was actually just very simple. I wasn't going to respond to this, but I changed my mind.

You are right. I was not affectionate with you. Something was missing for me, and an honest truth is, I felt bigger than you and it made me feel unsexy. You have like 0% body fat. I also put up a wall with you because I didn't feel like it would work out in the long run and I didn't want to get too attached to you. 

You're young, still in school and figuring your life out, and deep down I felt like I needed someone older who already had it figured out. I went through that student stuff with my ex and this time around I just wanted to be with someone who was already there. So I told myself it would never work.

BUT the problem was, I thought you were really awesome and I had such a great time with you. I kind of couldn't help getting attached to you. I found you to be so refreshing. You are honest, humble, smart and have this amazing positive personality that is addictive. I loved being around you. You are a complete gentleman and very respectful, and honestly I'd never met anyone like you. And you always made me feel really beautiful and special. You were wondering what I saw in you, so there it is. I wanted you to know that and I think that's why I ended up writing this, against my first instinct.

The funny thing is, right when you decided to pull away, I had decided to move forward. When I was in Fla and you were sick with the flu and said you wanted to go to Alaska, I started planning this trip in my head. I was getting really excited about it, and I was excited to see you because I hadn't in awhile, and basically I just thought "OK, let's do this." But then it was over. And, obviously, I was really confused. I was upset for a bit, and then I wasn't. I got over it. Which is why I am able to write you this without ill feeling or resentment. 

I honestly do think you're an amazing person and I wish you all the best and hope you find someone who gives you what you need and who makes you feel as special as you make others feel.

-----------------

And here is what he wrote in response:

Gosh do I miss the hell out of you.   

I maybe check my email once a week, and I still think about you all the time...  Guess I'm glad you wrote me.  

I love life and everything that comes with it, but I would say that most--maybe all things in my life are bittersweet.

I can't really write out sentences at the moment, I just want to yell out various noises.  

Janna, if every woman looked like you--men would be very happy and there would be no wars.

If I made you feel unsexy...well that is just down right wrong.

I don't care what room you walk into, you are always the most beautiful woman in the room.

But I was not with you because of that.

You are really smart, I would say sexy smart.  Book club = sexy.  

Actually (I already wrote most of this email, I'm just adding some)

I just loved being around you.  I really loved hearing you tell a story, that was one of my favorite things about you.

Janna, I don't really leave my house much unless it's to play golf, go to work, or go to school.

When do I get off my ass, I feel like it's a total drag and I think about all the other things I could be doing.

When I was with you, I didn't give any fucks about anything else that was happening in the world.

I read a book called "The power of full engagement" and I think about being "fully engaged" all the time because the book makes it seem important.  Regardless, I'm rarely ever "engaged" in whatever I'm doing but when I was with you, I was.  

Ok, I'm going to go to class and run this through my head another hundred times.  

But to touch on your email a bit more, I will have to thank you for all the kind words.  I know I'm somewhat of a "catch" (but I really think I'm someone you kinda "learn" to like) but regardless--I do appreciate what you see in me and it's sweet.

I think it's a little funny.  

I kick myself in the ass all the time and this sucks.  I told myself that you just couldn't be affectionate and I didn't want to seem like a total sissy and bring something like that up because I find it to be somewhat unbecoming BUT you told yourself it wasn't going to work because I'm a young hard working awesome cool dude--I mean I'm a student who lives at home and plays too much golf.   

I see this pattern in life and I can't believe I didn't catch it before.  My mantra lately has been "no expectations, only goals."  

And the problem with this whole situation is I didn't think in a million years you would email me back and say all these genuine things and I haven't been called an asshole once.

Janna, I could really go on all night but I started writing this probably fifteen minutes ago and I had earlier allocated that time to showering and I must get moving!  Gosh I sound like a robot

Ok, I don't even know what to say

I'm not ending this email

I'm just going to think about it a lot while I study mitosis.  

------------------------

So why did I write him? Because now I feel like I've opened a can of worms. And I knew I was opening a can of worms. So did I want a godammed open can of worms or what? I think for some reason I just really wanted him to know how I felt. But I don't want his words, his feelings. Because even though most of you thought his first email sounded crazy and may feel the same about this one, I understood it perfectly. To me, his words are beautiful and a reminder that a part of me loved him. But I had already moved past this, so what am I doing reading and re-reading this email? I got this email in the midst of a long text conversation I was having with a guy who honestly might be my future husband (more on that later). It was like a cannonball was launched into my happy fortress. Yes, I may be being a bit dramatic but this shit affects me! I was still texting with FH an hour later when 2 texts from a random number show up. I had no idea who they were from, then I realized it was Roger. I had deleted his number you see. 

Here they are:

Im speechless

I still remember asking if i could hold your hand UGHHH

-----------------

So that's that. My life feels like a hurricane right now, and this is just one little piece adding to the chaos. Would love to hear your thoughts, good or bad.

Roger returns..with an email.

For those of you wondering (like me) whatever happened to Roger Ravioli, I now have an answer. I just found this email from him, hiding in my junk mail (??) folder from a couple days ago. I honestly feel so much better now that I know. 

Here it is :

[JES] ,

• 
  

  There are parts of me that are different and I have no control over that.  

  There are things in my past that have happened and I have no control over those things as well.

  I'm not "normal", but I think you knew that.

  You are the most beautiful woman I'll ever kiss.  I do think about you every day.  

  There is something about you that always troubled me.

  I remember I was very open with you about myself, and you were as well--so I'm not saying you were keeping "secrets."

  
  

  I want to explain this as best as possible

  
  

  But the quick story is

  
  

  I like affection
  I probably need affection

  
  

  it always felt like it almost pained you to be affectionate

  this was something that I didn't like

  
  

  and Janna, it's all in how we articulate our defeats.

  Hindsight tells me I made the right decision but I made it the wrong way.

  Maybe it was immaturity or the fact that I did not want to say something like this because I thought I'd never have to say something like this.  Fuck Janna, If I wasn't smarter--or if I was stupider--I'd chase you around the earth till you got tired of running.  I've been chasing things my whole life, I can't anymore.

  
  

  I don't think you understand really, or maybe you do.

  I would absolutely love to be with you

  You are funny and smart and well traveled and cultured and so gorgeous from head to toe

  the fact that i didn't see affection in you kinda cancelled most of that awesome stuff out

  I felt like I would be chasing it forever

  and by "it," I mean the moment or feeling or sight of you being affectionate.

  The reason why this thought was so bold in my mind is that one time when we woke up really early in your bed and I remember you rolling over and putting your head on my chest and arm across my body.

  I felt like a king, needless to say--but I've learned that everything good is extremely fleeting and my legs and heart and mind and soul are tired of chasing things that are fleeting in nature.

  
  

  You are truly amazing, I can't explain it.

  I never really knew what you saw in me, but I'm sorry for how I handled things.

  
  

  
  

  This is just how I saw it then, and how I see it now.

  
  

  all I can say is fuck

  
  

  ---------------------------

  
  

  And that's how it ends. I have no idea what prompted him to write me this 3+ months after the fact, but I appreciate it and I understand. I wasn't affectionate towards him. Mostly because I wasn't really attracted to him. In the beginning at least. He was barely taller than me and had like 0% body fat and I felt bigger than him. I just didn't feel it. However, I was extremely attracted to him as a person and loved his personality, and, honestly, as he cut off from me I found myself ready to be with him. Like Id crossed that threshold where a guy finally wins you over and you are more attracted to them than ever. But it doesn't matter now. I'm grateful to him for being honest with me and giving me the answers I so desperately wanted all those months ago. Of course, now, I barely think of it.

Just like Vince Vaughn

In trying to forget about Bran, I went out with another cute, tall lad named, Sam. Sam is 32, 6'4 and has kind of a retro hipster look to him that's almost supermodel-y. But at the same time, he's REALLY Midwest. From some small town with like 10,000 people. He's got the accent, the same best friends since he was 5, the love of the Bears etc etc. 

He talks a lot about how fun and crazy he is, about how he is the Vince Vaughn of weddings, how he is a great dancer, but sitting there with him, I didn't see it. I'm not sure if he made me genuinely laugh even one time. I kept hearing myself fake laugh. And kept thinking about what a great time I have with that asshole Bran. I can't say Bran anymore without inserting "that asshole" in front. Anyway, I would still go out with Sam again, but think I may have pushed him away when I wouldn't let him walk me home. However we did text a little back and forth this weekend.

I went to Riot Fest this weekend which is a 3 day punk festival in Chicago. I lamented how TAB and I were supposed to meet up for that, but I still had blast and was transported back to high school when I used to go to punk shows at the Milk Bar constantly.

Things are getting better with the roomie, although she's not that neat and things still annoy me and I spend much more time in my bedroom than I used to.

This is just a short catch- up as I'm procrastinating reading my book club book for our meeting tomorrow even though there is no way I'm going to finish it in time. Right now it's feeling like homework I can't bring myself to do.

Til next time...!

Can't stop, won't stop.

Ahhhhh. I just have such a mishmash of things to tell you. So I'll just jump right in.

1) Bran. What can I say? I hung out with him on Thursday night. We watched the first half of the Broncos/Ravens game at my house then went to a bar for the second half. I know I said I wasn't going to do this. And I ignored his texts as long as I could, I did, but he's just so hot. Sitting at the bar, resting my hand on his long, muscular thigh hiding beneath those jeans makes me feel all tingly inside. Plus, he likes me. He couldn't be worse news though. There is a Jekyll and Hyde aspect to him. He thinks I have 3 different personalities (he hasn't told me what they are yet but I'll let you know) but I think he has 2 main ones: normal polite guy and crazy S&M psycho. We had a fun night. Until we got back to my place. Which was still fun until something happened. I don't really feel comfortable giving the details, but lets just say something we had talked about previously that I feel adamant on was once again an issue and instead of being cool about it he acted pissed off and left, barely even saying goodbye. No kiss on the cheek, no "It's cool." I laid on the bed and watched him get his things on, then walk out the door and it made me feel like shit. I don't understand. Totally unreasonable. I was so upset that I wrote him a semi-emotional text that now I'm embarrassed about. It said: I wish you would have been nicer to me just then. I know u wont say sorry but I hope you understand.

He has not replied. And, you know what, I would STILL see him again! Yes, I want him and I don't care.

2) That pilot. The one I kept running into that day who lives a block away from me? Yeah, he flew me from Jax-Ord. A flight I only got on because it was 40 min late. He was the pilot. He walked right past me in the terminal and slipped right up into the jetway. I went up to the cockpit and tapped him on the shoulder. He was on the phone and was nice and just kinda pointed to his phone and said we'd talk after the flight. So after the flight I went back up to talk to him and he was on the phone again. So I just said "bye, it was good to see you." And he basically just apologized for being on the phone again. Over it. 

3) Jacksonville. I had a big drunk night out and ran my stupid mouth about shit I shouldn't and feel stressed about it. I also stayed over at that guy's condo and have decided that's the last time. Over it.

4) I have a new roommate. I hate it. She has bad taste and keeps fucking with my decor and I don't know what to do about it. She leaves the AC on all day. Over it. 

5) Mom's retrospective art show. Moving and nostalgic. Was taken aback by all the people. Feel like her friends must think I'm cold, but honestly was just trying not to get emotional and felt overwhelmed by it all. I loved seeing her paintings from other people's collections that I'd never seen before. I was so touched by the whole thing and it was nice to see all of mom's people I hadn't seen in awhile. The only thing missing was her.

Bran the Man

So I've been kind of seeing this guy, Bran, for the past month or so. Basically, he is just kind of a rebound from Roger. I can't take him seriously because he is really fucking weird. Not in an artsy fartsy kind of way, or a nerdy kind of way, but in like a personality disorder kind of way.

He told me on our first date that his strategy with women was basically to play hard to get, leave them hanging (which he thinks is mysterious and I think is rude), and not get attached. Hmmmm. I told him this probably wasn't going to work because I like nice guys. He told me that women don't like nice guys. Actually he tells me a lot of things. He doesn't ask me out, he tells me out. Conversations go like this: 

See what I mean. And he'll just be like "I'll come over this week..." But then he wants me to actually ask him out or something because he can't seem to make plans with me like a normal person. It's as if he won't put himself in a position to be rejected or vulnerable even if its to simply ask "How about Friday?" Nothing is a question, only statements. 

Our first date was a lot of fun. We met up at 4 and I didn't get home til 1. We painted the town, or at least Division St, red. We talked non-stop. He seemed pretty normal, if not a little cocky. He's also very attractive. 6'4, dark hair and eyes, 28.  I have the sexual chemistry with him that I didn't really have with Roger. When Bran walked me home that night, he was like a wild animal. I honestly think he might have growled. And I liked it. Of course, like a good girl should, I sent him home before things got crazy. But I was into him.

I did cook him dinner by the way, and he loved it. My mother's homemade spaghetti bolognese that I could make with my eyes closed.

 He says nice things to me in person but seems like such an asshole in his text messages. I can tell he likes me, but he's weird and can't show it. I can see his insecurities come out sometimes when we hang out. Almost like he gets nervous around me. He told me one of the reasons he asked me out again was because he told me this personal story that I found really moving and fascinating, and he could see that I was getting emotional and actually cared, and that most girls he tells just stare blankly when they hear it or shrug it off. I think he's damaged.

Since I met him, I've said I just want to have fun with this guy, I can't take him seriously. But of course now, somehow I've allowed him to hurt my feelings. 

So Saturday he texts me. I respond, he doesn't. Later that day I was at this amazing dive bar in my hood he introduced me to on our first date, so I took a picture of it and sent it to him saying "Back where all the magic happened." Joking of course. He wrote me back telling me he was coming into the city later and he'll text me. So at 7:45 he calls me. I didn't answer because I was napping, but I called him back like ten minutes later. The phone doesn't ring and goes straight to voicemail. So annoying. I leave a message explaining that I just woke up from a day-drinking induced nap, call me back. He never does. Later, when I'm back out with a friend to celebrate her bday, I text him thinking maybe he never saw my VM since it didn't ring etc etc. and he never responds. SO WEIRD. Right? I mean HE texted me, HE called me. I didn't initiate anything, and when I get back to him he ignores me? Wtf? No, seriously, guys out there...wtf? You want to see me and ten seconds later you change your mind?

And I just landed and got a text from him saying "We will get together sometime this week." Oh will we?  No, we won't because I'm going to Florida for a week and also I'm not responding to you. So there.

Transitions

I have been struggling. Roger has disappeared and I have no clue why. He got sick about a month ago, and although I was not able to see him during that time, we were still texting daily and making plans. The last time we were chatting normally, he told me he wanted to take a trip to Alaska with me. I was excited about it. Then his texts became more sullen and less frequent. Then, he was only responding to mine. Then he was responding to mine the next day. And finally, we have not communicated in a week. I am thoroughly confused and sad. He seemed really crazy about me. So what makes someone go from 100 to 0 out of nowhere? We had been dating 3 months. Long enough to deserve an explanation I would say. From his texts, It sounds as if something happened that he doesn't want to tell me about. His last text to me said he was about to be "financially raped" and that he thinks about me all the time but never knows what to say. I'm hoping he finds the words and reaches out, but at this point, I doubt it. I don't plan on contacting him again.

Meanwhile I've been on a date with a 43 year old vegan businessman in Chicago, who shared my desire for vacation homes, but seemed really middle-aged. And I just hung out again with this guy I see sometimes down in FL. He made me dinner at his beach condo and we drank champagne and Chambord out of styrofoam cups while we night swam and soaked in the hot tub at the beach club across the street. I took some cough syrup, as I'm just getting over a summer cold, and it made me feel delicious and floaty. We watched some Colin Farrell action movie on pay per view. All in all it was nice, but nothing to take seriously.

This past weekend was also a girl's beach weekend with my high school friends. I had the best time. It really felt like we were on vacation even though we were just in Ponte Vedra Beach and Amelia Island, where we live and always go. This weekend was also the year anniversary of my mother's death. The crazy thing is, I didn't even realize. I actually did not know the date. I felt shitty all day Sunday, which was the day. Shitty and emotional. But I did get to see some dear people. People who love us. Dad has decided to start clearing out mom's closet so we are bringing people over to take home what they want. There are so many clothes. Flowing tunics, designer labels, and Dillard's Outlet booty with the tags still on. Dad and I had an emotional talk last night. It's been a year and things are changing. Somehow you have to adapt.

My roommate has moved out. She went from our $1250/mo. apartment to a $1.7 million house about ten minutes away. I'm happy for her, but lonely without her around. I'm looking for a new roommate on Craigslist. I have some good prospects and they are coming to look at the place this week. Reading their emails feels like reading online dating profiles. I feel excited about the good ones and ignore the weird. Hopefully no one's crazy.

Serendipity?

Ok the craziest thing happened to me the other day. Alright, it's not that crazy but it's pretty fucking serendipitous if you ask me.

So I'm on my way to work and I'm wearing my jewel neck dress which might be considered our sexiest uniform piece. Not that you could really call any of our uniforms sexy, but if you could this might be the it. Although the coat dress does show more cleavage. It's a toss up. Anyway, I'm walking, no maybe slowly shimmying, up the stairs of the Western Blue Line stop and I hear someone say "Oh, you work for -----Airlines?" And I can't see anyone so I'm like who the eff is talking to me? But then I look down and a pilot wearing his entire uniform minus his shirt is coming up behind me. Ok, he was wearing an undershirt, but still. So I reply "Yeah, who do you work for?" And thus we spend about ten minutes chatting on the platform whilst waiting for the train and I'm liking it. He's adorable and easy to talk to and I want to keep talking but then the train comes and I act like a total weirdo.

I get on first and I'm not sure if we are bringing the convo with us or going our separate ways. I panic about where to sit. Do I assume we sit together or just take the first open seat? I went with the latter and clearly worse choice and sat next to some old man. Pilot guy continues on to the cluster of empty seats further down. So then I move. But not over by the pilot, over to an empty row with my back to him. So. Ridiculous. I'm thinking to myself 'It's ok. You will redeem yourself upon exiting the train when you will turn to him and ask him where the known crew member entrance is in terminal 3 (the one his airline operates from) because you are going there to get a salad from Burrito Beach (I honestly was doing that anyway) and you will walk there together and he will ask you to dinner.' I'm pleased with this idea. However upon exiting the train and turning, he is lost behind a sea of people much faster than him apparently and then I feel awkward all over again. Thus my new plan hatches. In this plan, well I walk real slow and we end up at the known crewmember entrance at the same time. What I didn't realize was that entrance is in BFE and all the T3 people just go through plain old security which is closer. And that's where I see him again. Going through security. But I panic again, thinking he will think I'm stalking him because wtf am I doing in T3?? So I walk on and I kick myself because I realize the only thing I know about this guy is what airline he works for and that he is flying to BWI and back. I don't even know his name. Of course I look at the board and see his flight leaves out of G19, no mans land basically, and I order my Burrito Beach salad and who gets in line behind me? No. Not him. This other pilot I can't stand because 5 yrs ago on an overnight in Lexington, after a night of drinking, me and my 2 pilots were eating McDonald's in the Captain's room. I was given the task of picking some music from an iPod, when I looked up again the FO had mysteriously disappeared and this guy, the captain, pounced on top of me on the bed and I was like "Uh, no. Not happening." And then basically had to talk him out of hooking up with me. He's a creep. So that was who I had to small talk with in line at the burrito place. Ugh.

I was scheduled to do a PIT turn with my flight attendant buddy Brian who was in my initial new hire class. I go down to the crew room, moping about my missed opportunity with cute captain guy, when the captain of my PIT turn tells me our flight was cancelled! I immediately call Brian to tell him the good news and find out where he was. He was near the gate. I told him I'm coming up to get him. I find him on a bench and I'm all "Get up! I need you to walk and talk with me and tell me if what I'm about to maybe do is totally crazy." He hops up, I fill him in and am like "His flight leaves in ten min from G19 should I go there and leave my number with the gate agent?" And Brian says "Sure, why not." So we head there. But halfway down G I realize I cannot do this. This is not the kind of thing I do. I'm way too shy. I can't. So we start to turn around and then Brian stops to check the board and what do we see?? BWI Cancelled! At which point I'm like let's get the fuck out of here before he sees my crazy ass.

We head back to our own turf in T2 and wait for the company to give us the OK to go home which takes at least 20 min and I'm entertaining the thought that there is of course a chance that my pilot might be on the same train. Even though they leave every 7-10 min and he could already be long gone, there was a chance! Brian and I ride the train and I was half considering filling out a "missed connections" on the Chicago Red Eye app. Yes, there is a place where if you saw someone you liked on Chicago public transport, you can specify if it was on a train or bus and what line, what stop etc and then be like "You were wearing a pilots uniform, minus the shirt. I was climbing the stairs...want to make little airline babies?" Or whatever. Anyway when I get off at my stop I scan the platform and its a negative. I walk down to the sidewalk, am contemplating waiting for the bus vs. walking and am making a call when I hear another train pull up. I decide to wait just for kicks then walk. And who walks out the doors...? Yep. The guy.

So I watch him walk down the sidewalk for a sec, I have my phone to my ear and then I just start waving and run across the street. He looks taken aback. He says "Hey! Did your flight cancel??" I'm like "Yeah! Did yours?" As if I didn't know. He's like "This is so weird, we left for work together and now we are finishing together. It's like it was meant to happen!" And I'm like "I know :)" So we walk and are just chatting away, and we find out we literally live a block away from each other. And again he's like "This is crazy." Then he's like "We'll let me get your phone number..." And I'm like "Yeah :)" and he's like " So I'll talk to those girls and let you know about the apt." And I'm thinking "Oh." Then he adds, "and we can hang out sometime." Thank God. So he was stopping off to get a haircut and we start talking about haircuts and I'm going on about how my hair is so thick it's hard to find people who can cut it and he asks if he can feel my hair. I of course allow this, and he takes a big handful of it in his hands. And then we cross the street and I drop him off at the hair salon and go on my way.

Wine Guy

So another guy I'm interested in is a sommelier at one of the best restaurants in Chicago. It's ranked the #15 restaurant in the world. When he told me where he worked, I was like "Holy Shit."

This guy is gorgeous. He's like a mix between James Dean and Eric Northman from True Blood. He's nice and tall too. 6'3. We had beers and snacks at one of my favorite bars in my hood, Bangers and Lace. He ordered a bottle of my favorite sour beer, Geueze, for us to share. I mean he's pretty and has that hipster vibe going on that I like. But not over the top. He just kind of looks like he could have stepped out of 1955 and into a wine bar. Old school handsome. The thing is he's not a huge talker. I did a lot of the talking, and that's how he likes it apparently. He talked about the places he will take me and the things we will do and some other stuff. Nothing to write home or a blog about. I had a good time though, we were out til 1:45. He drove me home and I gave him a hug before I got out of the car and he kissed me on the cheek. He started texting me about 5 min later, he wanted to see me again.

The next day he was texting me again and Mr. Ravioli was at my house and I was stressed he'd see my phone. In any case, we made a date, which he cancelled the day of. I joked that we have a 1/5 success rate, which is true because out of 5 dates we'd planned, only one had come to fruition. But he continued to communicate with me, he texted me before I left for my Croatia trip (next blog), and once while I was there to say he was thinking about me. But I just went out with him again yesterday and I think it's already over.

He's just...boring. The first time we went out there was a lot to talk about because we didn't know anything about each other, and, like I said, I did most of the talking. But this time it was almost like pulling teeth. Not to mention, I was in a bad mood because my cab never showed up so I walked out to Western Ave to hail one and there weren't any and I was getting harassed by these Puerto Ricans who ended up following me and I couldn't get a cab so I walked the whole way in heels and got blisters and was really late and dressed up and sweaty and pissed off. Longest sentence ever. I was annoyed because he drove and could've just picked me up, which he said himself. Instead he came and met me on foot when I was like 5 min away from the bar.

I don't feel like I was annoying about it, I made a conscious effort to be in good humor about the situation, but maybe I was too complainy? I'm not sure, but we had 3 drinks, and I even bought a round, then I took off my painful shoes on the walk to his car and he drove me home and this time I did not get a follow up text. Which I'm ok with because the whole time I was struggling through conversation with this guy, I was actually thinking about how I was looking forward to my date with Roger later. Yes, I double booked. It was my only day off in Chicago for a long time!

After falling asleep on the couch in one of my new TopShop outfits from London (black silk shorts with white silk see-thru button-up tank, black bra.) Roger showed up at my house at 9. We drove to Lakeview and ended up at DMK which I had heard has the best burgers in Chicago. Ok I'm going to time out here for a sec. Roger drove me to the airport for my Croatia trip and when I arrived in London I had this massive email from him, gushing about how much he loves spending time with me, how much he misses me (I'd just left) etc etc. and I was like 'Whoah.' Slow your roll, son. It weirded me out a little and I didn't reply for 4 days and just sent a bland response. He got the hint because he then waited a couple days and was less "feely". We wrote back and forth a few more times. Anyway I wasn't sure how I felt about seeing him when I got back. But I found myself really looking forward to it and really enjoying myself. It's so comfortable with him.

He stayed over and was a perfect gentleman as always. Early this morning, about an hour ago actually, before he left for work, he was just staring at me and he said "You are so uniquely beautiful. Sometimes when I look at you, I feel like I'm looking at an old photograph."
This is the kind of shit he says! Constantly! How can you not fall for someone who talks to you like that? And yet, I still don't want him to be my boyfriend.

Follow up

After my date with Roger last night, I am feeling even more confused. I think I actually like him. This is exactly what I didn't want to happen. I like being neutral because it makes it easier to casually date more than one person without feeling weird or guilty. Casual. That's how I'm trying to keep it, for now.

Although he is thin, his rock hard body looked nice in his outfit last night. He assured me he was going to wear something 'cute' and I think he delivered in some kind of gray v neck t shirt and black sweater with jeans. I liked it. He told me he liked my sweater too, and that it looked like a tablecloth. We drove to this place I've been wanting to try near my apartment called The Beetle, which is basically a dark, cozy bar with good food. And, of course, in that 5 min car ride, something broke! Something with the clutch. Every time people! Anyway we are having drinks and a late dinner by candlelight, and during this 2 + hours I learn so much more about him. And it makes me understand him and the way he is so much more and I'm just touched. I feel like I can't really share here because its so personal, not for me, but for him. He's one of those kids that basically had to raise himself and didn't receive a lot of support in his life, but he came out of it this great person. And we will leave it at that.

His honesty and the way he never hides what he's feeling is so tender to me. I can't explain it, but he's just this very unique individual who marches to the beat of his own drum and at the same time is so caring, romantic, gentlemanly and respectful. And all he wants to do is be with me. And I don't know! On paper, it's not good. But in person, I feel so at ease and can really be myself. He says I'm a huge dork but in the most adorable way possible. I like that. Well I suppose the journey is not over then, right?

I have another date tomorrow with this other guy I've been out with. And tomorrow I will tell you all about him! So keep reading! Please subscribe so you can be alerted when new blogs are up. You can do so anonymously or let me know who you are. Thanks!

When it rains it pours...men.

I'm trying to get back into this writing thing. It was a rough year for me, and I just wasn't feeling it. But now I'm back on the wagon! And I'm going to try to keep this up on a fairly regular basis.

So. Here I am, in Chicago. Single. And all of the sudden I'm dating again. Like a lot. I don't know what's going on with me these days but dudes are sweatin me. As far as people I have seen more than once, there are a few players.

One is Roger Ravioli. No that's not his real name, but his real name literally sounds just like that. Like an Italian poem. He is an interesting character. He builds cars from scratch. The car he drives is a BMW he built and everytime I ride in it I swear something goes wrong and I fear the damn things gonna break in two or just fall apart right there, but it never does. He's a also a boxer and a musician. He had opportunities to be successful in both of these ventures but turned them down. After hearing both stories and shaking my head in disbelief, I told him it sounded like he was afraid to succeed. This blew his mind. Apparently he has not stopped thinking about it and is now doing some soul searching. What he decided to do instead of those things he's actually passionate about, is work hard for a living like he watched his father do and just keep his hobbies as hobbies and nothing more. I don't get it, but, hey whatever floats your boat I guess.

So what he decides to do is go back to school to become a high school English teacher and wrestling coach. Huh? You want to go back to school to get a job to support yourself and your future family and you choose something admittedly admirable but that pays like what $30,000 a year? And he is living with his parents while he does this and caddying at a country club. Also he's a little young. So basically, no. Although I'm still seeing him, I know that I don't want anything long term with him. I want someone in their 30s who has their shit together and their own place. Is that too much to ask?

But besides all that, I do have fun with the guy. Our first two dates were a blast. The first, we had empanadas and drinks at an Argentinian restaurant and when I mentioned my fave bar in Chicago was Kingston Mines, a divey blues bar, he said lets go right now! And we did and it was great! We danced and he told me how much he wanted to kiss me and he told me how beautiful I was and he just gushed and gushed and I just blushed.

For our second date, I found this free open mic comedy night at a hipster dive bar in Logan Square. I thought it was funny(ish), he did not, but it was still fun. He admitted to me that he was late because he couldn't find anything to wear so he went out and bought a new outfit. Jeans from the Gap and an H&M button down. We stepped outside and heard jazz coming from a red glowing door across the street. There was a sign outside reading "Live jazz. $5 donation. BYOB." Roger listens to Miles Davis "Kind of Blue" every night. The same album. Jazz is his favorite so we walk down to the liquor store on the corner, get a couple of big bottles of craft beer and go in. We walk down a narrow hallway to a room with old wooden floors and carved wood walls painted white. The band is group of men in their 50s wearing old man jeans and black t-shirts and earrings. The drummer has sunglasses on and looks like Jack Nicholson. There are folding chairs set up in a half-moon. We go beyond the band to the kitchen area and pop our beer and pour it into red solo cups and Roger grabs me and kisses me and tells me he hasn't smiled this much all week. A couple dances in off the street. Then everyone starts dancing. We dance too. After the show, Roger talks to the band, we get a tour. I'm thrilled to find out the building is an old funeral parlour. While I'm standing on my own, another guy from the audience says "Hey, he really likes you (gesturing to Roger). It looks like your date is going well." I blush and giggle. I already know that of course.

We leave and go to a late night Mexican joint. Roger tells me how amazing I am, how happy he is when he's around me, how beautiful I am, how much he thinks about me. He laughs like a fog horn on repeat. He runs to the car to get me his jacket because I'm cold. He constantly looks at me with this goofy smile on his face. He's always looking at me. It makes me uncomfortable, but he says he can't help it. I secretly like it, because it makes me feel beautiful.

I don't know how I feel about him. He is in crazy shape. He works out at least 2 hours a day and is totally ripped with like a 12-pack if that's even a thing. But he's skinny ripped and just 5'9. I'm 5'7 and sometimes I feel bigger than him. He has kinky dark hair. It's strange hair, coarse. And he has the most beautiful olive skin. I'm just not sure if I'm attracted to him. And I feel guilty because I know he really likes me and I'm not sure if I'm leading him on or if what I'm doing is ok. Which is being selfish basically. He sends me really corny text messages saying things like "I wish I was slow dancing with you right now." "I wish I was kissing you right now." I usually just don't even respond because I don't know what to say. He literally thinks everything I do is amazing, and I feel like I'm just enjoying the attention and the way he makes me feel. I'm going out with him tonight, maybe I'll figure things out, or maybe I'll just keep doing what I'm doing. Anyway since I spent so much time on RR, I'll save the others for next time :) as always, all thoughts welcome and appreciated! Please comment!

Africa 2

Day 4: I woke up and screamed upon running right into a praying mantis outside of my mosquito net. And again when one was perched on the floor right in the center of the doorway to the bathroom. I was so paralyzed with fear that I had to call Emmanuel up to remove the insects from my room so I could enter the bathroom and shower. Afterwards, I noticed a frog on my door handle and another mantis by my clothes. They formed a barrier between me and escape and me and clothes. Again Emmanuel had to come up and rescue me from my prissy hissy. After breakfast we went on a walking safari with Obi. We saw a giraffe, a family of zebras, a family of giraffes, impalas, a crocodile, and hippos. Obi told us lots of interesting facts like most birds nests are on the west side of the trees and termite mounds also lean to the west. We also learned a lot about dung of all kinds. It was nice to get some exercise and actually be out and about on foot amongst the animals. We went back to the house for lunch and a swim and there were elephants everywhere! One came up in our yard and was tearing apart a bush about 6 feet away from where I was lounging on the patio. It was hilarious when he tore a big branch off and put it on his head like a hat!

We went on an afternoon drive and the highlights for me were seeing a warthog up close who did not run away at first sight of us. Instead, he stopped and stared head on and we actually got a sense of how horrifically ugly this creature really is. The face of a warthog is the absolute ugliest thing I have ever seen. He wins the award of most hideous animal in Africa so far and he's on the list of my top 5 favorite animals. And the other highlight was watching the gorgeous sunset from way up high. We also got a flat tire, although I can't say that was a highlight.

Day 5: So sad to leave the Langkawi River House! I honestly miss our guys from there. Mainly Emmanuel and Edward and especially my favorite, Obi. I can't explain it but I feel a kindred spirit in Obi. I'm obsessing over this man. He was just the sweetest, most even keeled, wonderful guy and a brilliant guide. If I could read auras, I'd say he has the best one out there. I just have a big non-sexual crush on this guy.
Anyway, Obi drove us to our new people who took us up the river to our new place. We are in an outdoor camp in tents with no electricity, sand toilets and a bucket shower. We have a hot new director, George. He's married, but adorbs. And a new very sweet guide, Kanga. He took me, my dad and bro on a walking safari today. We learned some interesting things about nature like how the Spider Wasp captures spiders, injects them with a paralyzing poison then lays its eggs inside the spider and the spider dies when the eggs hatch and the baby wasps eat their way out of it. In the words of my brother, What the fuck, nature? Why can't she just kill it and eat it like most bugs? Oh and we had a hippo run into our boat. That's the second hippo we've run over! Also saw a baby hippo and 2 crocodiles.
We returned from our walk during sunset where a campfire and cocktails were waiting for us. After a cool bucket shower by lantern light, I watched hippos come up out of the river to graze right near our camp. George asked us not to tell Jennifer (she was in the shower) about this as she's been freaking out about getting killed by hippos all day. I still haven't told her :)
Curry by lamplight for dinner, and now in bed in my tent ready for tomorrow!

Day 6: new camp, new people, new guide, Mongolian BBQ around campfire, gorgeous sunset. New people include Polly, a Brit who runs the place; Nicholas a white kid from Zimbabwe doing his gap year; his hippy yogi father; our guide Sebastian (another sweet sweet soul) and Jonah another guide. I've found a book about the pioneer safari people in our area (South Luangwa) and find myself constantly grilling Polly about them and trying to get the inside scoop of their stories as she knows them all. Sounds like there was a lot of partying and bed hopping out in the African bush land! And many people who came over to work at a camp for a summer and ended up staying indefinitely. I can see why. It's amazing here.

Day 7: Driving safari with Jonah. Saw crazy red ant trail. Saw baby hippo on beach with mom. Heard wild story about how a guide and some guests were on a river safari and a hippo capsized their canoe and the guests managed to swim to shore, but the guide did not. The guests were lost and couldn't find their way back to camp, but eventually wandered into a village which took them to their camp. They then started a search for the guide. They found him washed up on a beach covered in red ants. He had been attacked by a crocodile, but a hippo came and chased the croc away and then pushed him all the way to shore! The hippo saved his life along with the ants who covered his wound, their bites causing his blood to clot. Incredible story!
He told us another story how he and a group of guests were having tea overlooking the river when they saw 2 young elephants crossing the river who were being surrounded by crocs. Well a group of hippos came and chased the crocs away, allowing the little elephants to cross the river safely. He says there are lots of instances of hippos helping impalas and all kinds of other prey get away from crocodiles.

Well now it's been almost a month since our trip and I still can't stop thinking about it. Africa really stays with you. It's magical and an experience beyond words although I hope I've done it some justice :)

Africa

I'm currently sharing my room with approximately 4 geckos, a handful of wasps, a pair of skinks, and the occasional bird and bat who like to do fly bys.

We are outside of Mfuwe, Zambia. Near the South Luangwa game park, where we do daily game drives in search of wild animals. And we have seen many of those!

Day 1: We arrived in our puddle jumper at the Mfuwe airport around 9am. Drove 45 min down dirt roads to the Robin Pope Safari accommodation which I thought was going to be a tent. Instead we pull up to this enormous 4 bedroom treehouse. The front door is a giant, mahogany thing that pivots in the center. Imagine a one paneled revolving door that resembles a ribeye with a skewer through the middle running top to bottom. Through that is a grand living room/dining area completely open on the backside which faces a deck, infinity pool and field filled with wild animals. We see elephants, giraffes, baboons and impalas in our backyard everyday. And they are not kept there, it is their natural stomping ground. We have a dock that stretches out into this land and we have lunch at the end of it every day at 11:30.
After a swim and a yummy lunch of vegetable quiche, salad, and pumpkin couscous we headed out for a game drive in the reserve. Right off the bat we saw a leopard eating the remains of an impala up in a tree. We saw hippos, zebras, and giraffes. We had cocktails at sunset overlooking a small river. We went back to the leopard tree and saw a hyena waiting at the bottom for scraps. It was all so very incredible.
We returned around 8pm for a 3 course dinner of pumpkin soup, baked chicken with vegetables and sticky toffee pudding. YUM.
Every room in the house is open to the outdoors. It's basically like sleeping outside. I am on the second floor in 'the metal room' called thus because of the large metal headboard behind my twin beds. I have a mosquito net, a deck with two chairs and screens and curtains that are pulled down around all the open spaces at night. I barely slept a wink the first night after waking up at midnight in the pitch black (the power had gone off) The fans were off. I was hot, sweaty and blind, and could hear every animal noise from outside plus the bat swarming around my room. I was terrified. I didn't know there were screens beyond the curtains and I pictured a baboon climbing up the tree outside my window and jumping in and ripping my face off. Now I'm used to all the animals, insects and reptiles and sleep like a baby, but that first night was very restless.

Day 2: Woke up at 5:30am by a knock on my door from one of the incredible staff here. We have Fred, Peter, Emanuel, Edward, and our guide, Obi. Obi and Emanuel are my favorites. Sweet, gentle souls. Breakfast is served at 5:45 and consists of porridge, toast (which I slather with Marmite mmmmm...) and fruit. After that and a black coffee, we are meant to be out the door at 6. We have been unable to to meet that goal thus far. I'm not naming any names, ahem. It's been more like 6:15.
So we pile into an open topped ute, drive to the river, get in a boat, go down and across the river to the park where we get in to another open topped vehicle and start our adventure.
First, we go back to check on the leopard tree. There's not a lot left of the impala kill and the son of the leopard we saw the night before was now there feeding on it. And more hyenas waiting for handouts. The leopard jumped down out of the tree right next to the hyena and hissed at it. We also see water buffalo. Highlight of the day was seeing an aggressive male elephant charge a male giraffe, butt him with his tusks and then chase him into the trees. All of this happened right in front of our truck.
We go home in time for lunch and go back out in the truck at 3:30 for our afternoon/evening drive where we find a lions pride consisting of 1 head male, 3 females and a young male. They are just sleeping in the grass. Eventually they wake up, use the facilities and move on. Obi predicts they will hunt this night, as their bellies looked empty.
Return for 8pm dinner of salad, beef with green beans and mushroom gravy, and ---. And lots of wine.
We turned up the music and had a dance party, kicked off by my brother and I doing a stellar performance to "Thrift Shop."
Slept like a baby and up at 5:30 again. On this mornings game drive we found the lions pride with a kill of a young zebra. Actually we found one lone female and, thanks to my alert hearing, tracked down the rest. The male was chowing down on the kill, the females and youngun lying in wait for their turn at the meal. As soon as the male stood up, announcing the end of his meal, there was a mass growling and all the rest of the pride pounced on the prey and made off with a leg or other chunk of zebra and went to it.
As we pulled away from the scene, Cathy noticed a leopard in the tree overlooking this whole thing! The same young male leopard we'd been watching the last couple days! He was perched up in the branches, staring at the lions. In the end, the lions went for water and he snuck down, waited til the coast was clear then went over to look for scraps. It was awesome too see this, and all the other inter-species interactions we've seen. Learned that impala sometimes hang with Puku because they need to be part of a group and get lonely. And now, during mating season, there are a lot of young males cast out from their herd on their own. This came up because we saw an impala male hanging with 2 Puku females and a baby one. I guess even the male Puku are ok with this because they won't mate outside their species so they are not a threat. So these impala males are basically like a gay best friend.
Came back for amazing lunch of chicken and veggie salad, broccoli, tomato tart and artichoke and mushroom pasta salad.
Watched a large family of elephant traipsing through our yard. They have a small baby who is still nursing and is adorable. There were 10 giraffes out and about. 2 were doing something very strange. They were just standing out in the sun, slamming each other with their long necks and little horns, and then they'd take a few steps and do it again. Need to ask Obi about that. Then saw hundreds of baboons come through our yard and leap frog over the creek like a hilarious high jump parody. Pretty soon the left side of the field was covered in monkeys!
We then went to a market and to the main drag of town which consisted of strips of run down, concrete shops selling their wares and services to the locals of the community.
Nap time. Awoken by something wet splashing onto my chest. Scream thinking its the frog I saw on my headboard the night before. As I come to my senses, I see a puddle of water next to me on the bed, then look down behind the headboard and see two legs connected to two feet. "Wait! Who is that??" I yell. Of course it was my brother who had come up and dumped water on me in my sleep. Hilarious. At least he thought he was.
Dinner of baked Aubergine, tomato and mozzarella stack. Divine. Followed by pork medallions wrapped in bacon with a mashed potato tower and shaved carrot. Lemon mousse for desert. I have to say, the meat here has been out if this world. It tastes so much better than the mass produced, hormone induced stuff we eat back home. You can just tell how fresh and natural it is. It tastes totally different. Tomorrow we start our day with a walking safari. Looking forward to getting some exercise. Goodnight!