Roger returns..with an email.

For those of you wondering (like me) whatever happened to Roger Ravioli, I now have an answer. I just found this email from him, hiding in my junk mail (??) folder from a couple days ago. I honestly feel so much better now that I know. 

Here it is :

[JES] ,

• 
  

  There are parts of me that are different and I have no control over that.  

  There are things in my past that have happened and I have no control over those things as well.

  I'm not "normal", but I think you knew that.

  You are the most beautiful woman I'll ever kiss.  I do think about you every day.  

  There is something about you that always troubled me.

  I remember I was very open with you about myself, and you were as well--so I'm not saying you were keeping "secrets."

  
  

  I want to explain this as best as possible

  
  

  But the quick story is

  
  

  I like affection
  I probably need affection

  
  

  it always felt like it almost pained you to be affectionate

  this was something that I didn't like

  
  

  and Janna, it's all in how we articulate our defeats.

  Hindsight tells me I made the right decision but I made it the wrong way.

  Maybe it was immaturity or the fact that I did not want to say something like this because I thought I'd never have to say something like this.  Fuck Janna, If I wasn't smarter--or if I was stupider--I'd chase you around the earth till you got tired of running.  I've been chasing things my whole life, I can't anymore.

  
  

  I don't think you understand really, or maybe you do.

  I would absolutely love to be with you

  You are funny and smart and well traveled and cultured and so gorgeous from head to toe

  the fact that i didn't see affection in you kinda cancelled most of that awesome stuff out

  I felt like I would be chasing it forever

  and by "it," I mean the moment or feeling or sight of you being affectionate.

  The reason why this thought was so bold in my mind is that one time when we woke up really early in your bed and I remember you rolling over and putting your head on my chest and arm across my body.

  I felt like a king, needless to say--but I've learned that everything good is extremely fleeting and my legs and heart and mind and soul are tired of chasing things that are fleeting in nature.

  
  

  You are truly amazing, I can't explain it.

  I never really knew what you saw in me, but I'm sorry for how I handled things.

  
  

  
  

  This is just how I saw it then, and how I see it now.

  
  

  all I can say is fuck

  
  

  ---------------------------

  
  

  And that's how it ends. I have no idea what prompted him to write me this 3+ months after the fact, but I appreciate it and I understand. I wasn't affectionate towards him. Mostly because I wasn't really attracted to him. In the beginning at least. He was barely taller than me and had like 0% body fat and I felt bigger than him. I just didn't feel it. However, I was extremely attracted to him as a person and loved his personality, and, honestly, as he cut off from me I found myself ready to be with him. Like Id crossed that threshold where a guy finally wins you over and you are more attracted to them than ever. But it doesn't matter now. I'm grateful to him for being honest with me and giving me the answers I so desperately wanted all those months ago. Of course, now, I barely think of it.